Innovative Conflict Resolution

In my experience, there are two general categories of church boards:  The first type is essentially democratic; board members are nominated and voted on by the congregation, and they serve for a specified term.  The second is where the members are hand-picked, either by the Pastor or through a process involving the existing board.  I have had had the privilege of serving on both types of boards. While they differ, they are similar in one very important aspect: They both involve conflict between the members. (There is one type of board where there is no apparent conflict, and I’ll deal with that later.)

A new way of looking at conflict

My definition of conflict might be a bit different from yours. I recently read an article by a mediator who went to great lengths to explain how ordinary differences of opinion are not conflicts.  I think he couldn’t be more wrong. The point he was making is that only real conflicts require a mediator; however, anyone who has served on a church board for any length of time can testify that these seemingly small differences of opinion can be quite costly in terms of both time and relationships. I can’t count the number of times that a board meeting has been “hijacked” by a small difference of opinion, sending the meeting into overtime. Of course, the author was correct in that not all disputes require a mediator – especially if boards and committees are trained in how to approach such differences of opinion and use them to become more productive, not less.

By my definition, conflict is merely what happens when two different points of view meet.  At its most benign, conflict is what we know as communication.  When we communicate, we encode both factual and emotional information into words, facial expressions and body language hoping that others will be able to decode the information appropriately.  Communication could be described as the process of overcoming any differences that exist between people.

Depending on these differences and the complexity of the information being conveyed, this process could be rather effortless (almost seeming like mind-reading), or it might prove to be quite difficult.  Factors impacting the success of communication include culture, age, sex, education, interests, personal tastes and the thousands of experiences each of us has had.  All of these impact how we interpret information, and explains why people can draw very different conclusions from the same information.

A Matter of Scale

Any time we try to communicate a thought to someone who doesn’t share a necessary frame of reference, we have conflict.  There is a barrier – perhaps quite small – that we must overcome.  The more complex the issue being discussed, and the more diverse the participants are from one another, the more conflict we will experience.

The difference between a friendly conversation about the weather and a heated argument over church policy is for the most part an issue of scale.  The problem is the same – differences in perspective – but the barrier(s) change.

However,  the inherent qualities of some relationships can also impact the type of conflict that will be experienced.  An issue which might ordinarily be an interesting intellectual exercise for two recent acquaintances might turn into something quite emotional in the context of a marriage.  Likewise, discussions between members of a church board can become quite emotional because they can involve issues of theology, Biblical interpretation, and personal conviction, all things about which people tend to feel quite strongly.  Conflict, it seems, is in the mind of the beholder.

The Importance of Conflict

There are many Christians who, in trying to follow Christ’s admonitions to turn the other cheek and forgive our enemies, have come to believe that any sort of disagreement and conflict among Christians is wrong.  However, there are New Testament examples of conflict indicating that not all conflict is wrong.  In 1 Corinthians 11:18-19, Paul writes

For, in the first place, when you assemble as a church, I hear that there are divisions among you; and I partly believe it,  for there must be factions among you in order that those who are genuine among you may be recognized.

Some translations imply that Paul was being sarcastic here, and he might have been; however, Paul himself was no stranger to conflict.  Acts 15:36-40 tells the story of Paul’s “sharp disagreement” with Barnabas over John Mark; they apparently didn’t employ the services of a mediator, and the matter was resolved by Paul and Barnabas splitting up. In Galatians 2:11-14, Paul tells of another conflict, this time with Peter:

When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. …

And, according to Paul, there’s even a place for anger in the church:

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. “In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Eph. 4:25-27

There are a couple of things we can learn from these passages. First, it is clear that even Apostles can have differences of opinion; and if they can, so can church leaders and board members.  Second, an open, frank discussion of the issues is beneficial – and even essential. If differences of opinion are not discussed, there are consequences:

1. The truth will not be revealed
2. Error will be allowed to continue
3. Anger, bitterness and resentment can take root

Furthermore, Church history shows us the benefits of a healthy approach to conflict (as well as many wrong approaches to conflict).  The Nicene Creed is a great example: if it were not for the dispute argued by Arius and Athanasius in 325AD, we might not have such a concise expression of the Christian faith.

The Conflict Conversation

The process of working through differences of opinion in a church board setting is not difficult from a technical viewpoint; it is really just a conversation.  Once again, the main difference is in scale.  For example, you might meet someone from a different culture at one of your church functions. Knowing that they will have very different frames of reference than you do, you go out of your way to understand them, and help them to understand you.  You try to use context clues to define words they use, and you ask questions to clarify what they are saying. You also choose your words wisely, and make sure that they are understanding what you are saying.

This is essentially what we need to do in conflict situations.  The key word is understanding.  People hold opinions for reasons; the stronger the opinion, the more important it is that we make an effort to understand why they hold that opinion.  We may find that the real issue is something else entirely.   It has been said that an obstacle can either be a stumbling block or a stepping stone; we should learn to approach conflict as a learning and growing opportunity, a chance to progress rather than as an obstacle to progress.

Reality and Church Boards

The reality of church boards is that they are usually comprised of ordinary people, most of whom have no training in managing conflict. They may be skilled in various aspects of business, and they may be managers and CEOs – but that doesn’t mean they are skilled at dealing with conflict.  The reality is that even in the business world, including experienced managers, have very little if any understanding of how to deal with conflict.

The good news is that it’s not difficult to learn how to work with conflict. With a little understanding of some basic elements and how different people respond to conflict, and some work in building a collective approach to working with conflict, a team can learn to use differences of opinion – conflict – to build each other up and strengthen relationships, not to mention saving time and making better decisions.

Next: Some free tips about conflict management, and the dangers of no conflict.