Innovative Conflict Resolution

Many of us are familiar with the concept of Rules of Engagement in a military or police setting, specifying when and how to use force in a given situation.  I think the concept is also applicable in a more generalized sense in any sort of conflict situation.  I am not, obviously, talking about using force in the workplace. Rather, I have begun to think of Rules of Engagement as agreed-upon guidelines set down for dealing with disagreements, problems or potentially conflict-causing situations.

For example, a common ROE suggested suggested to newlyweds is to never go to bed angry.  While I think this rule is somewhat flawed, the point made is that a basic set of ROE in a marriage can help to avoid a litany of problems.  Conflict, by the way, is not a problem in a relationship; it’s a necessary element.  Conflict “gone bad” is the problem.  In any relationship, whether it be in a family or work setting, establishing a set of Rules of Engagement can not only avoid problems, but actually improve communication and productivity.

Just imagine for a moment – especially if you manage other people – how your life would improve if people knew and understood how to approach others and discuss differences, as well as how to respond in certain situations.  How much time would that save you?  How would your family life improve if your kids had tools to use to resolve differences rather than screaming at each other?  The use of some rudimentary Rules of Engagement – no screaming, no ad hominems, and so on – can work wonders.  As it turns out, one of the biggest causes of conflict in any situation is ambiguity.  Not knowing what is expected, what is acceptable, or what process to follow just adds conflict to conflict.  Any while poorly-crafted rules create problems, a good set of ROE can result in greater freedom.

Styles of Engagement

I have written before about conflict “styles” – five general categories developed some years ago to describe people’s typical responses to conflict situations.   Ron Kraybill has reinterpreted these styles as Directing, Cooperating, Compromising, Avoiding and Harmonizing.   In considering ways to establish ROE, I suspect that understanding these styles may be thought of as “Styles of Engagement.” For example, there may be times – such as the last 30 minutes of the day – when conflict should simply be avoided, or held off until the following day.

Here’s a real-life example of when a ROE would have been helpful:  One employee was put in a quite uncomfortable position when a co-worker approached them out of the blue with, “Do you think I’m good at my job?”  While this is simply a very tacky, socially unacceptable thing to do, some simple guidelines about what kind of topics (like salaries and performance issues) are to be Avoided would have given the employee and easy out by providing the response, “I can’t talk to you about that.”  Avoidance, as we can see, is a very useful Style.

While you may have established Cooperating (or Collaborating) as a general decision-making rule,  there may certain circumstances where an employee may sidestep Cooperating for Directing.  Understanding these rules, as well as knowing how and when it is appropriate to resolve more difficult differences, will empower people and in general make them happier as a result.

ROE in Conflict Resolution Settings

When conflict reaches an impasse, as conflict often does, do you know what to do?  Is there a system in place to help resolve issues?  Do people know how the system works, and the Rules of Engagement within these systems?  Again, it is important to remove ambiguity by having well-defined systems in place to deal with issues that show a potential for going bad.  Again, this can work well in a family setting, your homeowners association or in the workplace.

In order to make conflict productive – that is, in order to make relationships productive – remove ambiguity wherever possible.  You might find that agreeing on some Rules of Engagement (or whatever you’d like to call them) may may have some amazing results.

Think back to any organization you’ve been involved in – were there any Rules of Engagement that you found worked?  Any that didn’t work?