Innovative Conflict Resolution

When friends and acquaintances would ask what I did for a living, I would often respond, “I argue with people.”  While some would laugh, I had the sense that most people felt sorry for me, because I was always in conflict. Little did they know that they, too, lived lives in conflict; they just didn’t realize it.

The fact is, all relationships involve an element of conflict, and all communication is a form of conflict resolution.  How we communicate and relate as lovers, children, parents, workers and any other role you can mention, involves bridging a gap between your unique perspective and that of others.  Our perspectives are comprised of our backgrounds, temperaments, experiences and beliefs; those things that make us unique. And, being unique means that we’re different from everyone else.

We may share certain ideals with those we work with, such as common goals or understands of what we do, but I’m willing to bet that our unique qualities results in each member of the team having a slightly different perspective on how to achieve those common goals.  Just try suggesting the team go out for lunch at someplace new and unusual, or suggest some new workflow, and see what kind of discussions result.

Overcoming gaps in perspective – that is, communication – is conflict resolution at its most basic level.  We are all experienced in conflict resolution. However, some are obviously better at it than others, and very few people approach it intentionally or even have the tools with which to do so.

It seems to me that as long as we have to live lives in conflict, the more we understand about conflict and ways to approach conflict, the better off we’d be.  What could conflict training / coaching do for you, your family, your board or your business?  Improve communication and decision-making, build relationships, save time wasted in miscommunication, increase productivity, and in general make people happier and more relaxed.  And shoot, you may even have fun in the process.

For most people, the word conflict has negative connotations. Granted, it’s derived from a Latin word meaning “to strike together” which is usually a negative thing, unless you’re a percussionist. Or a pianist (piano strings are struck by little hammers). Or a golfer or tennis player.  The more you think about it, striking things together is not necessarily a bad thing to do.

Sometimes they can even be fun.

However, even the dictionaries focus on the negative in defining conflict, using words such as war, battle, struggle, disharmony, antagonism, collision and incompatibility.  Reading through several definitions of conflict, I couldn’t find one that put a positive spin on it.

I see things differently.

Just think about the things you like to do for fun.  Do you play softball?  Basketball?  Poker?  Chess?  Tennis?  Halo? I’m sure you’ve picked up on the theme.  Many of us engage in recreational activities that in one way or another put us in conflict, although I would dare venture that most of us would say we don’t like conflict.

My sons enjoy playing airsoft – that is, firing guns that shoot plastic pellets at each other at up to 450 fps.  Intense conflict.  My boys and I also took up fencing a few years ago, where we simulate running each other through with pointy objects.  Direct conflict.  Sports like surfing put us in conflict with nature.   Weight-lifting puts our will in conflict with our body. No matter how much of a pacifist we think we are, no matter how much we value peace, order and harmony, there’s a part of us that really enjoys a good conflict.  Why is this?

It’s because conflict can be fun.

We need to start looking at more forms of conflict as – if not necessarily fun – at least beneficial.   We can loosely group conflict into two categories: Good conflict, and Bad conflict.  Bad conflict is that which involves negative behavior, negative emotion, and which serves no “higher” purpose.  Good conflict, on the other hand, is that which produces good fruit: it makes us stronger or wiser, it invigorates us, it results in new and better ideas, and often it actually improves communication and enhances relationships.

Now here’s the tricky part: Often, the difference between Bad conflict and Good conflict in how it’s handled by those involved.  Good conflict can quickly turn to Bad if not handled correctly.  Conflict which at first seems dark, oppressive and in general yucky can in fact turn out to be something quite redemptive; all it takes is someone who 1) understands the nature and personal dynamics of conflict, and 2) can see the potential good.

If those involved in the conflict understand point #1, they have a much greater potential to see point #2.  Teams – any group of people who have to function together for the good of a group – can benefit greatly from training in how to work with conflict.  Even if a group has never experienced truly Bad conflict, understanding conflict in group dynamics can still improve the group’s decision-making abilities, and perhaps avoid issues down the road.  The team may even discover that the process – that is, the conflict – itself can be as enjoyable as going out bowling or a few hands of Texas Hold ‘em, especially if they see tangible results.

If I were to define conflict, I would use words like:

• communication
• problem-solving
• selling
• engaging
• interacting
• relationship
• interaction
• dynamic

As I said, I see things a bit differently.  But, I speak from experience.