Innovative Conflict Resolution

Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where resolution seems out of our reach.  This is often true in “David and Goliath” situations, where it’s the little guy against the gigantic corporation or governmental entity.  Many people eventually give up; as the saying goes, “you can’t fight city hall.”   But, sometimes the Davids beat the Goliaths; sometimes all it takes is perseverance and a little creativity.

I’ve taken on a few Goliaths over the years, with mixed results. I’ve prevailed in a few battles, but I’ve also given up on a few. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the stress, which is what Goliath opponents often are counting on.  To be fair to the Goliaths, sometimes they’re simply clueless, and need someone creative enough to show them new ways of dealing with things.  And sometimes, you need to find a way to get the attention of the people who do care.

A great example is Dave Carroll’s issue with United Airlines. About a year ago Carroll, part of the Canadian folk duo Sons of Maxwell, was seated on a plane when the lady behind him yelled, “They’re throwing guitars!”  Sure enough, the baggage handlers were playing catch with the bands guitars, and Carroll’s $3,500 Taylor was damaged.  After many months of talking to United, he was given a absolutely final “no.”  So, he did was singer-songwriters do – he put it to music.  He also made a clever video and uploaded it to YouTube:

The video became an international hit in a matter of days, and the last I heard, United has attempted to contact Carroll to make things right.  By the way, Carroll has promised 2 sequels.

There is an important lesson to be learned from this:  With tools like YouTube, Twitter, FaceBook, and so on, the individual has never been more powerful.  However, as the saying goes, “with great power comes great responsibility.”  Use it wisely.

The other day I came across a great little article on About.com under “stress management,” called Ten Conflict Resolution Mistakes to Avoid.   While it’s fairly brief, it was too good not to share.

These are 10 very common mistakes that people make in daily interactions with family, friends, co-workers and even strangers; the tips in the article are useful in many situations, not just when you’re trying to resolve conflict.  Some may actually prevent conflict.

I realize that preventing conflict is taking potential business away from mediators, but hey – I’m just trying to help. 

• This may be obvious to most, but people do not all handle conflict the same way.  As I sat down to write this, I decided to do a quick google of “handling conflict” and came up with many, many articles and blog posts telling you exactly what to do to handle conflict.  While many had good things to say, most of the articles missed a couple of key points:

1. There are different styles of dealing with conflict.
2. Different conflict scenarios require different methods.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict MODE Instrument (TKI) is a short set of questions that identifies your conflict style.  In use for over 30 years, it identifies 5 general styles of dealing with conflict   These are plotted on 2 dimensions, assertiveness (satisfying your own needs) and cooperativeness (satisfying the needs of others).

1. accommodate – unassertive, cooperative, puts others interests first
   
2. avoid – unassertive, uncooperative, fails to resolve issues
   
3. collaborate – assertive and cooperative, works to satisfy all interests
   
4. compete – assertive, uncooperative, puts own self-interests first
   
5. compromise – falls in the middle of both scales
   

A similar tool was developed by Ron Kraybill, entitled Style Matters: The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory, which uses the same 5 categories as the TKI.  The Kraybill Inventory differs from the TKI in that rather than given either yes or no choices, the questions are answered on a 6-point spectrum from “not at all characteristic” to “very characteristic.”  It also scores individuals in both “calm” and “forced” categories, recognizing that people behave differently when they are under pressure.

So?

As with the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory (another great tool, and useful alongside of the conflict inventories noted above), the TKI and Kraybill tests only give you information about yourself; it’s up to you to put the information to use.

If you look at the 5 categories listed above, you’ll perhaps notice that none of them are particularly positive, with the possible exception of “collaborate.”  All of them may be quite negative, especially if that is your default mode.  For example, it’s unhealthy to avoid all conflict, just as it is to always accommodate others, or always compete.  Conversely, it is sometimes good to avoid conflict or be willing to accommodate others when the outcome is not particularly important to you.

All conflict management styles have their place; someone who is able to shift to each style as called for is probably going to be the most successful at dealing with conflict, as well as the happiest person in the long run.

For some who lean heavily toward one style or another and find it hard to deviate from the default mode, it would be quite beneficial to get some counseling or coaching on how to approach a specific issue, such as a workplace issue, or life in general.  The Coaching concept has become quite popular, both in an outside of the workplace, and is particularly well-suited to helping people deal with conflict.

Test yourself

What is your conflict style?   If you’ve 15 minutes to spare, you can take the Adult Personal Conflict Style Inventory online for free.  This test is an early version of the Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory, and gives you an immediate score.  For a more detailed analysis, the TKI and Kraybill inventories are available here:

TKI

Kraybill – Style Matters

Late Breaking News:  Ron Kraybill e-mailed me this morning, saying

We’ve just completed an online version and at least for now are offering people a free test drive for purposes of considering it for training, consulting, or group sessions.  Users can request a free pass by sending a note requesting it to: Center@RiverhouseEpress.com, and include their name, usage under consideration, and their role.   We’ll reply with a pass, usually within twelve hours.

A very important point from Tammy Lenski, on how your perspective and truth are not the same:

In a mediation recently, each side was quite sure their memory of the original conflict situation was the right one, the correct one, The Truth.

I was reminded of the problem created by confusing perspective with Truth, with absolute rightness.

The Other Side, a traditional Zen story

One day a young man reached the edge of a wide and fast-moving river during his travel to another town. He sat on the banks for hours, pondering how to cross safely and get to his destination. Just as he was about to return to the village from which he’d started, he saw a well-respect Zen teacher on the other side of the river.

The young man called over, “Wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?”

The teacher thought quietly for a moment, then called over, “”My son, you are on the other side.”